Builiding Successful Relationships through Emotional Intelligence, Part 1

Strong Relationships.  A strong, healthy relationship provides satisfaction and support in our lives. Research has shown that good relationships improve all aspects of daily living, including physical health, mental well being, work satisfaction and positive connections with others. However, if relationships aren't working, it can also be a tremendous stress and may negatively affect us in other areas of our lives.

Successful relationships are developed by nurturing healthy connections. While many of us are great at initiating relationships, we may find that it is hard to keep the relationship intact and growing. Eventually, the relationship may struggle or falter.  One of the main reasons for breakdowns in relationships can be attributed to the lack of emotional intelligence in one or both partners.

Robert Goleman (1998) defines emotional intelligence (EI) as "a set of capacities that include knowing what you're feeling, knowing what others are feeling, managing the feelings in relationships, and using your feelings to motivate yourself."

Why we need emotional intelligence in our relationships.  Many of us have fallen into unhealthy patterns of interaction based on our response to unpleasant events of the past and, instead of thinking clearly, we respond automatically, often causing tension and unhappiness in our relationships.  We may then find ourselves in reinforcing cycles of behavior which are hard to break free from.  Why does this happen?  Our minds are very powerful.  Our senses have the amazing ability to transmit information to the brain and when this information is too stressful or emotional, our ability to act becomes limited to the flight, fight, or freeze mechanisms. 

The good news is that we can outsmart our brains and learn to react more intelligently to emotionally charged situations.  As we come to understand and harness our emotions, we become better equipped to bring our responses into proper balance as we experience a myriad of stressful life experiences.  The more connected we become with the emotional part of our brains,  the better we are able to respond to others in appropriate ways and avoid mistakes we have made in past or current relationships.

How do we improve emotional intelligence.   To improve emotional intelligence and decision-making abilities within our relationships, we must first understand and then learn to manage our emotions. This is accomplished by developing key skills for controlling and managing stress and emotionally charged situations.  NOTE: Learning without attempting to change or alter the way in the relationship is managed will not bring about desired changes in you or in your relationship.

Emotional intelligence requires four important skills in building and maintaining healthy relationships.  These building blocks include self-awareness, self management, social awareness and relationship management.  For this post we will focus on self-awareness and address the other areas of emotional intelligence in subsequent posts.
 

Why self-awareness is important.  Being aware of our emotional responses helps us find and overcome weaknesses and blind spots.  Learning to be self-aware helps us connect to the core of our emotions.  We become more self-aware when we learn to recognize our own emotions and recognize their impact on others. Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., and Melinda Smith, M.A. give advice about becoming more self-aware:

 

"Connect to your emotions— a moment-to-moment awareness of your emotions and how they influence your thoughts and actions is the key to understanding yourself and remaining calm and focused in tense situations.  Many people are disconnected from their emotions, especially  strong core emotions such as anger, sadness, fear, and joy. Although we can distort, deny, or numb our feelings, we can’t eliminate them. Without emotional awareness, we are unable to fully understand our own motivations and needs, or to communicate effectively with others. We are also at far greater risk for becoming overwhelmed in situations that appear threatening."

 

What are the first steps in becoming more self-aware.  Ask yourself whether or not you pay attention to your emotions.  Are you aware of your stress points?  Have you noticed physical sensations associated with your emotions?  Have others pointed out and made you aware of unhealthy behaviors?  Can you recognize your own unhealthy reinforcing cycles of behavior?  After doing an initial self-evaluation, you might consider asking a trusted friend or loved one to help you understand what you cannot see.  Be willing to listen and understand without exhibiting defensive behavior.  This may be difficult!  Most of us are leery about admitting our shortcoming -- to ourselves and to others.  However, as we engage in both self and peer evaluation, we will gain greater personal insights, helping us to facilitate lasting change in our own behavior as we negotiate our relationships with others.

As I have come to better understand and accept the importance of self-awareness, I have begun to engage in many exercises of self-reflection.  At first, I found it was hard to admit my shortcomings, but as I got better at separating myself from my behaviors or emotions, I found the process enlightening and empowering.  Personally, I found that it was better to admit my own shortcomings first and then asked my husband for his perspective on what I saw in myself.  I initiated these conversations when I was feeling secure and when I knew we could have safe conversations without fear of accusation or defensive behavior.  With a sincere desire to understand, these conversations have proven to be invaluable and have helped me to address emotions I have struggled with for many years.  With this increased ability to recognize emotional trigger points, I have been able to modify my emotional responses.  That being said ... it is a process.  Any change takes time and patience and persistance.  However, I think you will find the rewards are well worth the effort.  

Self-awareness will lead us towards greater emotional intelligence. This self-awareness will in turn help us become more empathetic and supportive in not only our personal but our work and social relationships.  In our determination to look inwardly and make changes, our emotional intelligence will grow and we will see positive results in all aspects of our lives.

Amitay, O. A., & Mongrain M. (2007). From Emotional Intelligence to Intelligent Choice of Partner. The Journal of Social Psychology, 147, 325-343.

Brackett, M. A., Warner R. M., & Bosco J. S. (2005). Emotional Intelligence And Relationship Quality Among Couples. Personal Relationships, 12, 197-212.