Who is more emotionally intelligent -- Men or Women?

In my last blog about emotional intelligence, the question came up -- who tends to be more emotionally intelligent: men or women?  It was something that I hadn't specifically studied as part of my research.  So, I decided to check into it.  The answer? Well ... both ... in different ways.

We have talked about emotional intelligence being divided into four important areas: self awareness, managing our emotions, empathy and social skill.  There have been many studies done on emotional intelligence, and while most indicate that women have an edge over men overall, both men and women have specific strengths.  For instance, women tend to measure on average better than men in empathy, while men do better than women when it comes to managing emotion.  Women are also better at perceiving emotions in those around them and men are better at compartmentalizing emotion (Freedman, 2012). 

However, it is good to remember that when we talk about gender differences, we are referring to different bell curves -- one for men and one for women, which overlap to some degree.  Thus, it is important to remember that any given man might be as good or better as any woman at empathy, and a women as good as or better than a specific man at handling emotion (Goleman, 2011).

Empathy. My last blog covered self-awareness, so this week, we will focus on the skill of empathy.  Specifically, lets explore how women tend to differ from men in this area. 

Recently in talking with my younger sister who lives in Utah, I found out that not only was she about to deliver a new baby, but her husband's work was transferring them several states away. They had to move three weeks after the baby was born and during that time they had to get their house packed up, the house ready to sell and find a place to live in their new location.  Additionally, my sister would be delivering her baby cesarean and would not be able to lift or help with any of the house details. And, they were without a close support network to call upon.  I felt helpless and overwhelmed as I considered how I would feel if I were in that situation.  As I shared my feelings of distress with my husband, he empathized with me over the situation, but then quickly came up with a plan of action.  We made plans to go to Utah and were able to provide some much needed relief and support for my sister and her family.  At the same time, my own anxiety over my sisters situation was relieved.

In this particular situation (although we frequently find ourselves on opposite sides in other situations) my husband and I fell into the typical gendered responses.  I, noticing that my sister was upset, focused on those feelings of distress. My husband, on the other hand combined feelings of empathy with problem solving skills. He sensed the feeling for a moment, then tuned out the emotions and switched to other cognitive skills to work on solving the problem at hand.

These emotionally laden situations elicit different responses that may or may not be not be interpreted positively by the other.  How many times have we accused someone close to us of being tuned out emotionally or -- being overly emotional? It is good to recognize that neither is better and both have advantages.  Tuning out helps us stay calm during crisis, allowing our brains to focus on finding a solution to a perceived problem.  On the other hand, the tendency to stay focused on the problem helps to nurture and support others in emotionally difficult circumstances.  Again, this is not to say that either of these tendencies are exclusive to men or women  (Goleman, 2011).

 

 

Developing empathy in our close relationships.  Developing empathy as part of emotional intelligence will increase our communication abilities and help us experience stronger and more satisfying relationships.  How do we do this?

1. We can put ourselves in the shoes of the other.  As we try to imagine how another feels about themselves, their situation and their challenges, the more in tune we become and the more effective we become in developing rewarding and trusting relationships.              
2. We can learn to pay attention to small cues.  Nonverbal communication is key as we strive to understand our many relationships.  Watch the expression on a person's face as they communicate, and just as importantly, what they are unwilling or unable to say. 
3. We can practice empathy.  When we see another going through something emotional, we can ask ourselves, "How would I react in the same situation?   By doing this we begin to understand others and develop empathy. 

Stepping back from emotion.  Those who tend to be highly empathetic are susceptible to something called emotional contagion.  Emotions are highly contagious (yes, kind of like the flu or the chickenpox), so when others are feeling or expressing negative emotions, they can trigger an equal emotional response in us if we are not aware.  As we become better attuned to our emotions and the emotions of others around us, we can learn how to appropriately respond without letting those emotions consume us. This is a skill which takes practice but can be learned.  A few suggestions I have I have found helpful in my own efforts to step back from emotion and appropriately navigate empathy:

1. Listen to what is being said or expressed.  Take a deep breath.
2. If you find yourself drawn into the situation, take a mental moment to separate others emotions from your own. 
3. Recognize the feelings of others by expressing support without internalizing the emotion.
4. Stay positive.  Your positive attitude will help as you lend emotional support to others.

Need for Emotional Intelligence in both Men and Women.  So, whether we need to work on developing empathy or stepping back from emotion, it is great to know that both of these skills can be learned.  And, regardless of our gender, or how we have reacted to emotions in the past, we can change and adopt the skills that will bring about lasting change and rewarding relationships, at work, in social situations and most importantly in our personal lives.

Works cited:

Goleman, D. (2011).  Are women more emotionally intelligent than men? The Brain and Emotional Intelligence.  Psychology Today, 51.

Freedman, Joshua. (2012). Women's leadership Edge: Global Research on Emotional Intelligence, Gender and Job Level, EQ Business.