Finding Emotional Intelligence in the Hundred-Acre Wood

  

How many of us remember the loveable Winnie the Pooh characters of our childhood?  Within the forest community of the Hundred Acre Wood, Winnie the Pooh and his friends navigate through everyday problems of life.  As a group, they experience many wonderful adventures, conflicts and crises.  Each of these forest friends are unique and characterized by specific traits – some desirable and some not so desirable.  These traits become more or less useful as the characters engage with one another in problem solving adventures within the Hundred-Acre Wood.  Most of us can identify with at least one of the Winnie the Pooh friends – we can see them as a projection of ourselves and others that we encounter in our own social circles.

Who do you identify with? As we reflect on these characters, we find that we identify with some more than others.  Maybe we see ourselves like Tigger who is exuberant, optimistic and full of fun, Kanga who is even tempered, nurturing and kind, or Roo who is energetic, childlike and of good cheer.  These positive qualities exibited by these characters help attract others to us.  On the flip side, we may identify with some of Winnie’s forest friends who struggle with not so positive traits. Rabbit, although industrious, is characterized by his irritability; and Owl, although wise is scatterbrained. Piglet is kind yet timid and fearful.  And lest we forget, there is Eeyore who is forever glum, self-focused, and pessimistic.  Each of us exhibit some combination of these different traits. Winnie the Pooh is an example of what we might consider a good balance of characteristics.  Pooh is kind, friendly, loyal, optimistic, courageous, and steady during times of difficultly – a natural leader and well-liked by all.

Emotional Intelligence. Those traits that we find most admirable and helpful in the Winnie the Pooh characters are the same ones that we might find helpful as we navigate interpersonal relationships in the real world.  These traits are those most often associated with emotional intelligence – or the tendency to perceive, understand, regulate and harness emotions adaptively in the self and in others. Individuals with high emotional intelligence are more likely to be successful in all aspects of life including work, social and interpersonal relationships (Goleman, 1995).

As we can see through the lives of the characters in the Hundred-Acre Wood, those who exhibited positive emotional traits were more successful in their friendships than those who exhibited negative emotional traits.  Research indicates that successful personal relationships greatly enhance life satisfaction and improve all aspects of daily living, including physical and mental health, work satisfaction and positive connections with others.  And, because there is a strong correlation between high emotional intelligence and relationship satisfaction, it is important to learn how to develop skills which will lead us to act in more emotionally intelligent ways.

How do we become more emotionally intelligent?  The most important step is to become self-aware. We must take stock of what traits help or hurt us as we engage with others in our social network.  We might ask ourselves – do I tend to be more like a Tigger or an Eeyore who tend to be on the opposite ends of the emotional spectrum?   If you answered Eeyore, remember that as a rule, people are not attracted to negativity and will look for ways to avoid or insulate themselves from you. If you recognize this tendency in yourself, you might consider taking steps to change your negativity. People who act happier, friendlier, and more energetic will not only help others feel more upbeat, but themselves as well.

If you identify more as a Tigger, be grateful for this positive trait and let your happiness naturally rub off on others.  As you attempt to spread sunshine to others, you might want to remember to keep your expectations in check -- you cannot make someone be happy. All you can do is be an influencer.

As we look back at the characters in the Hundred-Acre Wood, we can see how their different traits allowed them to be more or less successful as they integrated as a group.  And, whether you identify more as a Tigger, an Eeyore, or any other of Winne's forest friends, each of us have the ability to change behavior and create the relationships we desire. As we become more self-aware, we are better able to identify those traits that will help us be more emotional intelligent, make changes, and find greater relationship satisfaction.

 

References:

Goleman, D. (1995).  Emotional Intelligence, New York, NY, England: Bantam Books, Inc.

Who is more emotionally intelligent -- Men or Women?

In my last blog about emotional intelligence, the question came up -- who tends to be more emotionally intelligent: men or women?  It was something that I hadn't specifically studied as part of my research.  So, I decided to check into it.  The answer? Well ... both ... in different ways.

We have talked about emotional intelligence being divided into four important areas: self awareness, managing our emotions, empathy and social skill.  There have been many studies done on emotional intelligence, and while most indicate that women have an edge over men overall, both men and women have specific strengths.  For instance, women tend to measure on average better than men in empathy, while men do better than women when it comes to managing emotion.  Women are also better at perceiving emotions in those around them and men are better at compartmentalizing emotion (Freedman, 2012). 

However, it is good to remember that when we talk about gender differences, we are referring to different bell curves -- one for men and one for women, which overlap to some degree.  Thus, it is important to remember that any given man might be as good or better as any woman at empathy, and a women as good as or better than a specific man at handling emotion (Goleman, 2011).

Empathy. My last blog covered self-awareness, so this week, we will focus on the skill of empathy.  Specifically, lets explore how women tend to differ from men in this area. 

Recently in talking with my younger sister who lives in Utah, I found out that not only was she about to deliver a new baby, but her husband's work was transferring them several states away. They had to move three weeks after the baby was born and during that time they had to get their house packed up, the house ready to sell and find a place to live in their new location.  Additionally, my sister would be delivering her baby cesarean and would not be able to lift or help with any of the house details. And, they were without a close support network to call upon.  I felt helpless and overwhelmed as I considered how I would feel if I were in that situation.  As I shared my feelings of distress with my husband, he empathized with me over the situation, but then quickly came up with a plan of action.  We made plans to go to Utah and were able to provide some much needed relief and support for my sister and her family.  At the same time, my own anxiety over my sisters situation was relieved.

In this particular situation (although we frequently find ourselves on opposite sides in other situations) my husband and I fell into the typical gendered responses.  I, noticing that my sister was upset, focused on those feelings of distress. My husband, on the other hand combined feelings of empathy with problem solving skills. He sensed the feeling for a moment, then tuned out the emotions and switched to other cognitive skills to work on solving the problem at hand.

These emotionally laden situations elicit different responses that may or may not be not be interpreted positively by the other.  How many times have we accused someone close to us of being tuned out emotionally or -- being overly emotional? It is good to recognize that neither is better and both have advantages.  Tuning out helps us stay calm during crisis, allowing our brains to focus on finding a solution to a perceived problem.  On the other hand, the tendency to stay focused on the problem helps to nurture and support others in emotionally difficult circumstances.  Again, this is not to say that either of these tendencies are exclusive to men or women  (Goleman, 2011).

 

 

Developing empathy in our close relationships.  Developing empathy as part of emotional intelligence will increase our communication abilities and help us experience stronger and more satisfying relationships.  How do we do this?

1. We can put ourselves in the shoes of the other.  As we try to imagine how another feels about themselves, their situation and their challenges, the more in tune we become and the more effective we become in developing rewarding and trusting relationships.              
2. We can learn to pay attention to small cues.  Nonverbal communication is key as we strive to understand our many relationships.  Watch the expression on a person's face as they communicate, and just as importantly, what they are unwilling or unable to say. 
3. We can practice empathy.  When we see another going through something emotional, we can ask ourselves, "How would I react in the same situation?   By doing this we begin to understand others and develop empathy. 

Stepping back from emotion.  Those who tend to be highly empathetic are susceptible to something called emotional contagion.  Emotions are highly contagious (yes, kind of like the flu or the chickenpox), so when others are feeling or expressing negative emotions, they can trigger an equal emotional response in us if we are not aware.  As we become better attuned to our emotions and the emotions of others around us, we can learn how to appropriately respond without letting those emotions consume us. This is a skill which takes practice but can be learned.  A few suggestions I have I have found helpful in my own efforts to step back from emotion and appropriately navigate empathy:

1. Listen to what is being said or expressed.  Take a deep breath.
2. If you find yourself drawn into the situation, take a mental moment to separate others emotions from your own. 
3. Recognize the feelings of others by expressing support without internalizing the emotion.
4. Stay positive.  Your positive attitude will help as you lend emotional support to others.

Need for Emotional Intelligence in both Men and Women.  So, whether we need to work on developing empathy or stepping back from emotion, it is great to know that both of these skills can be learned.  And, regardless of our gender, or how we have reacted to emotions in the past, we can change and adopt the skills that will bring about lasting change and rewarding relationships, at work, in social situations and most importantly in our personal lives.

Works cited:

Goleman, D. (2011).  Are women more emotionally intelligent than men? The Brain and Emotional Intelligence.  Psychology Today, 51.

Freedman, Joshua. (2012). Women's leadership Edge: Global Research on Emotional Intelligence, Gender and Job Level, EQ Business.

 

Builiding Successful Relationships through Emotional Intelligence, Part 1

Strong Relationships.  A strong, healthy relationship provides satisfaction and support in our lives. Research has shown that good relationships improve all aspects of daily living, including physical health, mental well being, work satisfaction and positive connections with others. However, if relationships aren't working, it can also be a tremendous stress and may negatively affect us in other areas of our lives.

Successful relationships are developed by nurturing healthy connections. While many of us are great at initiating relationships, we may find that it is hard to keep the relationship intact and growing. Eventually, the relationship may struggle or falter.  One of the main reasons for breakdowns in relationships can be attributed to the lack of emotional intelligence in one or both partners.

Robert Goleman (1998) defines emotional intelligence (EI) as "a set of capacities that include knowing what you're feeling, knowing what others are feeling, managing the feelings in relationships, and using your feelings to motivate yourself."

Why we need emotional intelligence in our relationships.  Many of us have fallen into unhealthy patterns of interaction based on our response to unpleasant events of the past and, instead of thinking clearly, we respond automatically, often causing tension and unhappiness in our relationships.  We may then find ourselves in reinforcing cycles of behavior which are hard to break free from.  Why does this happen?  Our minds are very powerful.  Our senses have the amazing ability to transmit information to the brain and when this information is too stressful or emotional, our ability to act becomes limited to the flight, fight, or freeze mechanisms. 

The good news is that we can outsmart our brains and learn to react more intelligently to emotionally charged situations.  As we come to understand and harness our emotions, we become better equipped to bring our responses into proper balance as we experience a myriad of stressful life experiences.  The more connected we become with the emotional part of our brains,  the better we are able to respond to others in appropriate ways and avoid mistakes we have made in past or current relationships.

How do we improve emotional intelligence.   To improve emotional intelligence and decision-making abilities within our relationships, we must first understand and then learn to manage our emotions. This is accomplished by developing key skills for controlling and managing stress and emotionally charged situations.  NOTE: Learning without attempting to change or alter the way in the relationship is managed will not bring about desired changes in you or in your relationship.

Emotional intelligence requires four important skills in building and maintaining healthy relationships.  These building blocks include self-awareness, self management, social awareness and relationship management.  For this post we will focus on self-awareness and address the other areas of emotional intelligence in subsequent posts.
 

Why self-awareness is important.  Being aware of our emotional responses helps us find and overcome weaknesses and blind spots.  Learning to be self-aware helps us connect to the core of our emotions.  We become more self-aware when we learn to recognize our own emotions and recognize their impact on others. Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., and Melinda Smith, M.A. give advice about becoming more self-aware:

 

"Connect to your emotions— a moment-to-moment awareness of your emotions and how they influence your thoughts and actions is the key to understanding yourself and remaining calm and focused in tense situations.  Many people are disconnected from their emotions, especially  strong core emotions such as anger, sadness, fear, and joy. Although we can distort, deny, or numb our feelings, we can’t eliminate them. Without emotional awareness, we are unable to fully understand our own motivations and needs, or to communicate effectively with others. We are also at far greater risk for becoming overwhelmed in situations that appear threatening."

 

What are the first steps in becoming more self-aware.  Ask yourself whether or not you pay attention to your emotions.  Are you aware of your stress points?  Have you noticed physical sensations associated with your emotions?  Have others pointed out and made you aware of unhealthy behaviors?  Can you recognize your own unhealthy reinforcing cycles of behavior?  After doing an initial self-evaluation, you might consider asking a trusted friend or loved one to help you understand what you cannot see.  Be willing to listen and understand without exhibiting defensive behavior.  This may be difficult!  Most of us are leery about admitting our shortcoming -- to ourselves and to others.  However, as we engage in both self and peer evaluation, we will gain greater personal insights, helping us to facilitate lasting change in our own behavior as we negotiate our relationships with others.

As I have come to better understand and accept the importance of self-awareness, I have begun to engage in many exercises of self-reflection.  At first, I found it was hard to admit my shortcomings, but as I got better at separating myself from my behaviors or emotions, I found the process enlightening and empowering.  Personally, I found that it was better to admit my own shortcomings first and then asked my husband for his perspective on what I saw in myself.  I initiated these conversations when I was feeling secure and when I knew we could have safe conversations without fear of accusation or defensive behavior.  With a sincere desire to understand, these conversations have proven to be invaluable and have helped me to address emotions I have struggled with for many years.  With this increased ability to recognize emotional trigger points, I have been able to modify my emotional responses.  That being said ... it is a process.  Any change takes time and patience and persistance.  However, I think you will find the rewards are well worth the effort.  

Self-awareness will lead us towards greater emotional intelligence. This self-awareness will in turn help us become more empathetic and supportive in not only our personal but our work and social relationships.  In our determination to look inwardly and make changes, our emotional intelligence will grow and we will see positive results in all aspects of our lives.

Amitay, O. A., & Mongrain M. (2007). From Emotional Intelligence to Intelligent Choice of Partner. The Journal of Social Psychology, 147, 325-343.

Brackett, M. A., Warner R. M., & Bosco J. S. (2005). Emotional Intelligence And Relationship Quality Among Couples. Personal Relationships, 12, 197-212.

How to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Adult

As a youth of 13, I was faced with the very simple dilemma of whether to take band or home economics as my eighth grade elective.  Because  I had already been in band for two years, I thought it might be fun to switch it up and take home economics, so I chose the later.  However, because I had been previously very involved in the music program in my junior high, my decision was met with resistance from my band director and my principle, both whose opinion I greatly respected.  Each of them lobbied me to change my decision.  I was torn.

I knew what I wanted but I didn't want to disappoint or lose the high opinion of my adult mentors.  I became very stressed and unusually weighed down with worry about disappointing those respected adults in my life.  My emotions took over and I began to spiral down into depression.  As an inexperienced youth, I did not have the skill set to navigate through my emotions on my own.  Thankfully, my parents could see my distress and stepped in to coach me through the emotional dilemma I was facing.  They helped me calmly weigh options and put the experience in proper perspective.  Because of their support, I was able to navigate my feelings and come to a decision that was best for my own life.  

Parents play an integral role in their children's emotional lives.  Open discussions between parents and children about emotions are essential in helping children learn to recognize and also manage their emotions. During difficult situations, children watch and learn how their parents deal with a multitude of emotionally charged situations.  Through the family laboratory, children learn how to become emotionally intelligent.

In the last decade or so, science has presented an abundance of research emphasizing the importance of emotional intelligence in the formula for a successful life.  Researchers have found that even more than IQ, your emotional awareness and ability to handle feelings will determine your success and happiness in all walks of life, including family relationships.

Emotional intelligence has much to do with knowing when and how to express emotion along with controlling it.  Researchers have indicated that the home environment and parental involvement greatly contribute to the development of emotional intelligence.  Individuals raised in cohesive family structures, are more likely to develop successful attributes of emotional intelligence, develop feelings of empathy for others and adjust to the stresses of adult life.

"Family life is our first school for emotional learning, " writes Daniel Goleman, psychologist and author of Emotional Intelligence. "In this intimate cauldron we learn how to feel about ourselves and how others will react to our feelings; how to think about these feelings and what choices we have in reacting; how to read and express hopes and fears. This emotional schooling operates not just through the things parents say and do directly to children, but also in the models they offer for handling their own feelings and those that pass between husband and wife."
 

Keaten and Kelly (2008) reported that family communication patterns greatly influence emotional intelligence.  And, not only will these patterns affect the child while living under their parents roof, but will follow them into adulthood. These patterns can affect the development of emotional intelligence and, in turn, create obstacles or stepping stones in other areas of life including social, academic and business settings.

Children who experience family communication patterns in which expression of feelings are discouraged may not develop the necessary coping skills to address negative emotions such as fear and stress.  On the flip side, families that  do engage with one another, share feelings, experiences, and thoughts with each other, and value open exchange of ideas will fair better in emotional laden situations.  Families with good communication patterns tend to raise children who have higher levels of emotional intelligence and are able to recognize, understand, and manage emotions.

Parents and other adult mentors can serve as emotional coaches.   Kids with  parents or other mentors who practice emotional coaching tend to perform better academically and seem to fare better socially. Keaten and Kelly (2008) report that  "Children who learn emotional intelligence skills are more likely to be accepted by their peers because they possess the 'emotional responsiveness and self-control needed to relate to other children."

As a parent or other mentor in your child's life you can engage in proper emotional coaching in the following ways:

1. Allow children to ask questions. Children learn by engaging in the world around them.  If children come to expect negativity as they ask questions, they become reticent, limiting their emotional expressiveness and hindering future emotional development. 
2. Allow children to talk about emotions. It is essential to create an environment where children can express themselves and talk about their own experiences.  Without this opportunity,  they will not know how to properly recognize or manage their own emotions when they engage in the world outside of the home environment.
3. Help children navigate a variety of emotionally laden situations.  Instead of telling a child how they should feel or how they should react in a given situation, it is important to help them learn how to become emotionally intelligent  in a safe home laboratory.  As children learn healthy communication behaviors and skills in this environment, they will become better equipped with the emotional tools to deal with real world situations that they will ultimately face as they grow and mature.
4. Model emotionally intelligent behavior.  Being an example is the best way to influence children to become emotionally intelligent adults.                                                                                       

As we teach children these skills, they will become more self aware, perceptive of the needs of others, self managing and able to navigate stressful situations.  Learning these various aspects of emotional intelligence will help children grow into well adjusted, healthy adults. Overall, higher emotional intelligence can improve the life of your child mentally, physically and socially and will increase their opportunities for success as they navigate social situations, work, and intimate and family relationships.

Works cited:

Keaton J., & Kelly L. (2008). Emotional Intelligence as a Mediator of Family Communication Patterns and Reticence. Communication Reports, 21, 104-114.

Bhatia, Gunjan (2012). A Study of Family Relationship in relation to emotional intelligence of the students of secondary level. International Journal of Scientific and Research Publications, p 1-5.

How "so smart can be so dumb" -- School smarts vs Street smarts

Have you known individuals who despite their school smarts seem to fail in life?  While they may be off the charts in traditionally accepted IQ scores, some of these individuals seem to lack the common sense and creativity that has allowed others, who may have fallen farther down the IQ curve, to start a successful business, write a best seller, or find other success in life.

Peter Salovey and John Mayer, coined the phrase emotional intelligence when they were discussing the antics of a well-known politician, which caused them to speculate how someone "so smart could be so dumb."  They hypothesized that there must be more to intelligence than merely a high IQ and coined the term emotional intelligence to describe what they believed made up this missing component in current depictions of human intellect.

While our society has traditionally attributed intelligence with high IQ, a high level mental state involving linear solving processes, there is another form of intelligence to consider.    According to Robert Goleman, emotional intelligence (EQ), refers to the capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, for motivating ourselves, and for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships.

EQ can be equated with the "aha" moments we experience in life which are characterized by exhilarating leaps in intuition when everything is suddenly clear.  High levels of emotional intelligence have been shown to have a significant impact on important life outcomes including mental and physical health, work performance, and social relationships. 


In fact, a high level of emotional intelligence has been found to be more effective in determining leadership skills, self-improvement, academic success, raising children and communication in general than IQ alone.  The correlation between high IQ and real-world success may be a small as 4 to 10 percent.  This would suggest that other types of intelligence, including emotional intelligence, account for more than 90 percent of the success people experience in their lives.

One of the most common misrepresentations by those critical of emotional intelligence, is that EQ is synonymous with giving free reign to one's emotions and  letting it all hang out.   To the contrary, an individual with a high level of EQ effectively manages emotions and feelings so that they are expressed accurately and appropriately.   Individuals, on the other hand, who are on the low end of the EQ continuum will almost surely stumble through life filled with frustrations, miscommunications, and failed social and intimate relationships.

The theories of emotional intelligence are answering questions that have never before been able to be answered.  And, while most experts do not suggest that EQ should be viewed as a replacement for IQ,  they do agree that the scientifically based concept of emotional intelligence, should be studied as an additional and complementary component of human understanding.  And, contrary to traditional views that intelligence (IQ) is genetically predetermined, the skills associated with EQ can be learned.  Granted, some people find it easier than others to do so.   

Emotional intelligence, when studied and applied allows us to address the real-world dichotomy between school smarts and street smarts.   Four specific building blocks or foundational skills if understood allow each of us independently to become more emotionally intelligent.  These building blocks include:  self awareness, self management, social awareness and relationship management.

Some of these building blocks may harken back to days of old when we learned basic skills of how to get along in elementary school.  In fact Robert Fulgham wrote an essay, All I Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, outlining lessons and skills learned in the first year of school such as sharing, playing well with others, and cleaning up after themselves.  Wouldn't we agree that the world would be a better place if each of us individually and collectively continued to play by these rules?  These skills, so important back in kindergarten, are rooted in emotional intelligence.

The application of science within the realm of emotional intelligence has opened a whole new world of possibilities as we mesh traditional intelligence standards with emotional standards of intelligence.  Learning to identify emotional cues and manage relationships effectively under the umbrella of emotional intelligence is a process that takes time, practice, patience and true commitment.  But, the good news is -- they can be learned!  Developing your personal emotional intelligence is essential for true competence in most areas of life and may be the deciding factor in personal success whether it be in business, social or interpersonal relationships.

Works cited:

Kemper, C.L. (1999) . EQ vs. IQ.  Communication World, 15-19.

Robertson, S.S. (2007) Got EQ? Increasing Cultural and Clinical Competence Through Emotional Intelligence.  Communication Disorders Quarterly, 29, 14-18.