Who is more emotionally intelligent -- Men or Women?

In my last blog about emotional intelligence, the question came up -- who tends to be more emotionally intelligent: men or women?  It was something that I hadn't specifically studied as part of my research.  So, I decided to check into it.  The answer? Well ... both ... in different ways.

We have talked about emotional intelligence being divided into four important areas: self awareness, managing our emotions, empathy and social skill.  There have been many studies done on emotional intelligence, and while most indicate that women have an edge over men overall, both men and women have specific strengths.  For instance, women tend to measure on average better than men in empathy, while men do better than women when it comes to managing emotion.  Women are also better at perceiving emotions in those around them and men are better at compartmentalizing emotion (Freedman, 2012). 

However, it is good to remember that when we talk about gender differences, we are referring to different bell curves -- one for men and one for women, which overlap to some degree.  Thus, it is important to remember that any given man might be as good or better as any woman at empathy, and a women as good as or better than a specific man at handling emotion (Goleman, 2011).

Empathy. My last blog covered self-awareness, so this week, we will focus on the skill of empathy.  Specifically, lets explore how women tend to differ from men in this area. 

Recently in talking with my younger sister who lives in Utah, I found out that not only was she about to deliver a new baby, but her husband's work was transferring them several states away. They had to move three weeks after the baby was born and during that time they had to get their house packed up, the house ready to sell and find a place to live in their new location.  Additionally, my sister would be delivering her baby cesarean and would not be able to lift or help with any of the house details. And, they were without a close support network to call upon.  I felt helpless and overwhelmed as I considered how I would feel if I were in that situation.  As I shared my feelings of distress with my husband, he empathized with me over the situation, but then quickly came up with a plan of action.  We made plans to go to Utah and were able to provide some much needed relief and support for my sister and her family.  At the same time, my own anxiety over my sisters situation was relieved.

In this particular situation (although we frequently find ourselves on opposite sides in other situations) my husband and I fell into the typical gendered responses.  I, noticing that my sister was upset, focused on those feelings of distress. My husband, on the other hand combined feelings of empathy with problem solving skills. He sensed the feeling for a moment, then tuned out the emotions and switched to other cognitive skills to work on solving the problem at hand.

These emotionally laden situations elicit different responses that may or may not be not be interpreted positively by the other.  How many times have we accused someone close to us of being tuned out emotionally or -- being overly emotional? It is good to recognize that neither is better and both have advantages.  Tuning out helps us stay calm during crisis, allowing our brains to focus on finding a solution to a perceived problem.  On the other hand, the tendency to stay focused on the problem helps to nurture and support others in emotionally difficult circumstances.  Again, this is not to say that either of these tendencies are exclusive to men or women  (Goleman, 2011).

 

 

Developing empathy in our close relationships.  Developing empathy as part of emotional intelligence will increase our communication abilities and help us experience stronger and more satisfying relationships.  How do we do this?

1. We can put ourselves in the shoes of the other.  As we try to imagine how another feels about themselves, their situation and their challenges, the more in tune we become and the more effective we become in developing rewarding and trusting relationships.              
2. We can learn to pay attention to small cues.  Nonverbal communication is key as we strive to understand our many relationships.  Watch the expression on a person's face as they communicate, and just as importantly, what they are unwilling or unable to say. 
3. We can practice empathy.  When we see another going through something emotional, we can ask ourselves, "How would I react in the same situation?   By doing this we begin to understand others and develop empathy. 

Stepping back from emotion.  Those who tend to be highly empathetic are susceptible to something called emotional contagion.  Emotions are highly contagious (yes, kind of like the flu or the chickenpox), so when others are feeling or expressing negative emotions, they can trigger an equal emotional response in us if we are not aware.  As we become better attuned to our emotions and the emotions of others around us, we can learn how to appropriately respond without letting those emotions consume us. This is a skill which takes practice but can be learned.  A few suggestions I have I have found helpful in my own efforts to step back from emotion and appropriately navigate empathy:

1. Listen to what is being said or expressed.  Take a deep breath.
2. If you find yourself drawn into the situation, take a mental moment to separate others emotions from your own. 
3. Recognize the feelings of others by expressing support without internalizing the emotion.
4. Stay positive.  Your positive attitude will help as you lend emotional support to others.

Need for Emotional Intelligence in both Men and Women.  So, whether we need to work on developing empathy or stepping back from emotion, it is great to know that both of these skills can be learned.  And, regardless of our gender, or how we have reacted to emotions in the past, we can change and adopt the skills that will bring about lasting change and rewarding relationships, at work, in social situations and most importantly in our personal lives.

Works cited:

Goleman, D. (2011).  Are women more emotionally intelligent than men? The Brain and Emotional Intelligence.  Psychology Today, 51.

Freedman, Joshua. (2012). Women's leadership Edge: Global Research on Emotional Intelligence, Gender and Job Level, EQ Business.

 

Builiding Successful Relationships through Emotional Intelligence, Part 1

Strong Relationships.  A strong, healthy relationship provides satisfaction and support in our lives. Research has shown that good relationships improve all aspects of daily living, including physical health, mental well being, work satisfaction and positive connections with others. However, if relationships aren't working, it can also be a tremendous stress and may negatively affect us in other areas of our lives.

Successful relationships are developed by nurturing healthy connections. While many of us are great at initiating relationships, we may find that it is hard to keep the relationship intact and growing. Eventually, the relationship may struggle or falter.  One of the main reasons for breakdowns in relationships can be attributed to the lack of emotional intelligence in one or both partners.

Robert Goleman (1998) defines emotional intelligence (EI) as "a set of capacities that include knowing what you're feeling, knowing what others are feeling, managing the feelings in relationships, and using your feelings to motivate yourself."

Why we need emotional intelligence in our relationships.  Many of us have fallen into unhealthy patterns of interaction based on our response to unpleasant events of the past and, instead of thinking clearly, we respond automatically, often causing tension and unhappiness in our relationships.  We may then find ourselves in reinforcing cycles of behavior which are hard to break free from.  Why does this happen?  Our minds are very powerful.  Our senses have the amazing ability to transmit information to the brain and when this information is too stressful or emotional, our ability to act becomes limited to the flight, fight, or freeze mechanisms. 

The good news is that we can outsmart our brains and learn to react more intelligently to emotionally charged situations.  As we come to understand and harness our emotions, we become better equipped to bring our responses into proper balance as we experience a myriad of stressful life experiences.  The more connected we become with the emotional part of our brains,  the better we are able to respond to others in appropriate ways and avoid mistakes we have made in past or current relationships.

How do we improve emotional intelligence.   To improve emotional intelligence and decision-making abilities within our relationships, we must first understand and then learn to manage our emotions. This is accomplished by developing key skills for controlling and managing stress and emotionally charged situations.  NOTE: Learning without attempting to change or alter the way in the relationship is managed will not bring about desired changes in you or in your relationship.

Emotional intelligence requires four important skills in building and maintaining healthy relationships.  These building blocks include self-awareness, self management, social awareness and relationship management.  For this post we will focus on self-awareness and address the other areas of emotional intelligence in subsequent posts.
 

Why self-awareness is important.  Being aware of our emotional responses helps us find and overcome weaknesses and blind spots.  Learning to be self-aware helps us connect to the core of our emotions.  We become more self-aware when we learn to recognize our own emotions and recognize their impact on others. Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., and Melinda Smith, M.A. give advice about becoming more self-aware:

 

"Connect to your emotions— a moment-to-moment awareness of your emotions and how they influence your thoughts and actions is the key to understanding yourself and remaining calm and focused in tense situations.  Many people are disconnected from their emotions, especially  strong core emotions such as anger, sadness, fear, and joy. Although we can distort, deny, or numb our feelings, we can’t eliminate them. Without emotional awareness, we are unable to fully understand our own motivations and needs, or to communicate effectively with others. We are also at far greater risk for becoming overwhelmed in situations that appear threatening."

 

What are the first steps in becoming more self-aware.  Ask yourself whether or not you pay attention to your emotions.  Are you aware of your stress points?  Have you noticed physical sensations associated with your emotions?  Have others pointed out and made you aware of unhealthy behaviors?  Can you recognize your own unhealthy reinforcing cycles of behavior?  After doing an initial self-evaluation, you might consider asking a trusted friend or loved one to help you understand what you cannot see.  Be willing to listen and understand without exhibiting defensive behavior.  This may be difficult!  Most of us are leery about admitting our shortcoming -- to ourselves and to others.  However, as we engage in both self and peer evaluation, we will gain greater personal insights, helping us to facilitate lasting change in our own behavior as we negotiate our relationships with others.

As I have come to better understand and accept the importance of self-awareness, I have begun to engage in many exercises of self-reflection.  At first, I found it was hard to admit my shortcomings, but as I got better at separating myself from my behaviors or emotions, I found the process enlightening and empowering.  Personally, I found that it was better to admit my own shortcomings first and then asked my husband for his perspective on what I saw in myself.  I initiated these conversations when I was feeling secure and when I knew we could have safe conversations without fear of accusation or defensive behavior.  With a sincere desire to understand, these conversations have proven to be invaluable and have helped me to address emotions I have struggled with for many years.  With this increased ability to recognize emotional trigger points, I have been able to modify my emotional responses.  That being said ... it is a process.  Any change takes time and patience and persistance.  However, I think you will find the rewards are well worth the effort.  

Self-awareness will lead us towards greater emotional intelligence. This self-awareness will in turn help us become more empathetic and supportive in not only our personal but our work and social relationships.  In our determination to look inwardly and make changes, our emotional intelligence will grow and we will see positive results in all aspects of our lives.

Amitay, O. A., & Mongrain M. (2007). From Emotional Intelligence to Intelligent Choice of Partner. The Journal of Social Psychology, 147, 325-343.

Brackett, M. A., Warner R. M., & Bosco J. S. (2005). Emotional Intelligence And Relationship Quality Among Couples. Personal Relationships, 12, 197-212.