How to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Adult

As a youth of 13, I was faced with the very simple dilemma of whether to take band or home economics as my eighth grade elective.  Because  I had already been in band for two years, I thought it might be fun to switch it up and take home economics, so I chose the later.  However, because I had been previously very involved in the music program in my junior high, my decision was met with resistance from my band director and my principle, both whose opinion I greatly respected.  Each of them lobbied me to change my decision.  I was torn.

I knew what I wanted but I didn't want to disappoint or lose the high opinion of my adult mentors.  I became very stressed and unusually weighed down with worry about disappointing those respected adults in my life.  My emotions took over and I began to spiral down into depression.  As an inexperienced youth, I did not have the skill set to navigate through my emotions on my own.  Thankfully, my parents could see my distress and stepped in to coach me through the emotional dilemma I was facing.  They helped me calmly weigh options and put the experience in proper perspective.  Because of their support, I was able to navigate my feelings and come to a decision that was best for my own life.  

Parents play an integral role in their children's emotional lives.  Open discussions between parents and children about emotions are essential in helping children learn to recognize and also manage their emotions. During difficult situations, children watch and learn how their parents deal with a multitude of emotionally charged situations.  Through the family laboratory, children learn how to become emotionally intelligent.

In the last decade or so, science has presented an abundance of research emphasizing the importance of emotional intelligence in the formula for a successful life.  Researchers have found that even more than IQ, your emotional awareness and ability to handle feelings will determine your success and happiness in all walks of life, including family relationships.

Emotional intelligence has much to do with knowing when and how to express emotion along with controlling it.  Researchers have indicated that the home environment and parental involvement greatly contribute to the development of emotional intelligence.  Individuals raised in cohesive family structures, are more likely to develop successful attributes of emotional intelligence, develop feelings of empathy for others and adjust to the stresses of adult life.

"Family life is our first school for emotional learning, " writes Daniel Goleman, psychologist and author of Emotional Intelligence. "In this intimate cauldron we learn how to feel about ourselves and how others will react to our feelings; how to think about these feelings and what choices we have in reacting; how to read and express hopes and fears. This emotional schooling operates not just through the things parents say and do directly to children, but also in the models they offer for handling their own feelings and those that pass between husband and wife."
 

Keaten and Kelly (2008) reported that family communication patterns greatly influence emotional intelligence.  And, not only will these patterns affect the child while living under their parents roof, but will follow them into adulthood. These patterns can affect the development of emotional intelligence and, in turn, create obstacles or stepping stones in other areas of life including social, academic and business settings.

Children who experience family communication patterns in which expression of feelings are discouraged may not develop the necessary coping skills to address negative emotions such as fear and stress.  On the flip side, families that  do engage with one another, share feelings, experiences, and thoughts with each other, and value open exchange of ideas will fair better in emotional laden situations.  Families with good communication patterns tend to raise children who have higher levels of emotional intelligence and are able to recognize, understand, and manage emotions.

Parents and other adult mentors can serve as emotional coaches.   Kids with  parents or other mentors who practice emotional coaching tend to perform better academically and seem to fare better socially. Keaten and Kelly (2008) report that  "Children who learn emotional intelligence skills are more likely to be accepted by their peers because they possess the 'emotional responsiveness and self-control needed to relate to other children."

As a parent or other mentor in your child's life you can engage in proper emotional coaching in the following ways:

1. Allow children to ask questions. Children learn by engaging in the world around them.  If children come to expect negativity as they ask questions, they become reticent, limiting their emotional expressiveness and hindering future emotional development. 
2. Allow children to talk about emotions. It is essential to create an environment where children can express themselves and talk about their own experiences.  Without this opportunity,  they will not know how to properly recognize or manage their own emotions when they engage in the world outside of the home environment.
3. Help children navigate a variety of emotionally laden situations.  Instead of telling a child how they should feel or how they should react in a given situation, it is important to help them learn how to become emotionally intelligent  in a safe home laboratory.  As children learn healthy communication behaviors and skills in this environment, they will become better equipped with the emotional tools to deal with real world situations that they will ultimately face as they grow and mature.
4. Model emotionally intelligent behavior.  Being an example is the best way to influence children to become emotionally intelligent adults.                                                                                       

As we teach children these skills, they will become more self aware, perceptive of the needs of others, self managing and able to navigate stressful situations.  Learning these various aspects of emotional intelligence will help children grow into well adjusted, healthy adults. Overall, higher emotional intelligence can improve the life of your child mentally, physically and socially and will increase their opportunities for success as they navigate social situations, work, and intimate and family relationships.

Works cited:

Keaton J., & Kelly L. (2008). Emotional Intelligence as a Mediator of Family Communication Patterns and Reticence. Communication Reports, 21, 104-114.

Bhatia, Gunjan (2012). A Study of Family Relationship in relation to emotional intelligence of the students of secondary level. International Journal of Scientific and Research Publications, p 1-5.